After the Accident

Apres the accident

It has been 1 year almost 3 months since someone rear ended me.  I am frustrated.  How long will it take me to heal?  Will I ever fully heal?

I find myself wishing to somehow destroy her life as she has destroyed mine.
I mean, does she suffer lingering effects?  Can she still work?  Drive without constantly looking in her rear-view mirror to see if another car is creeping too close.  Can she shoulder check easily?
Can she eat regular meals without pain?

I would like to know.  But I suppose she didn't have any injuries.  Why would she?  After all, she hit me, with the front of her car.

I have been driving for 40 years.  In that time I hit a deer.  One deer - not bad considering I live in the country.  And I've had 2 speeding tickets and one failure to stop - I found out later that a house past the lights had a green flashing light in its front window that I had mistaken for a green light. 
That's the extent of my car infractions.
I've never run into anyone.  I rarely get speeding tickets - two in forty years.  The ones I got I probably could have fought.  One I received for doing 50km in a playground zone.  I returned after getting the ticket, with my camera (this is prior to cell phones) and watched as grounds keepers cut the hedge surrounding the playground, back from the sign I couldn't have seen.  The other I  got merging from a major 8 lane highway to a major 6 lane highway, with the speed limit sign too close to the merge area.  I was watching my rear view mirror to see about my chances of merging without stopping - you know, the law.  That one I think I should have known the speed limit of, but I don't drive it often.

So I consider myself a fairly safe driver all in all.  I get where I'm going.  I leave in enough time I don't have to speed to get there.  I look before changing lanes.

And I used to drive quite a bit.  I enjoyed driving.

She changed all that.  I no longer like to drive.  I put off going anywhere until I absolutely have to.  I refuse invitations to parties and outings.  I saw my first movie since the accident, at a cinema, just yesterday.  My first!  And that only happened because I had to be in the city for a doctor 's appointment.

She injured my jaw.  I still can't chew.  A year of invalid food is tiring.  I tried a steak, my daughter's birthday meal choice.  Took me twice as long as everyone else to eat a quarter of their steak size.  I ended up sucking extremely small pieces of steak to get the flavour before swallowing.  And I damn near choke on spinach salad, because I can't chew it.  So, back to soups, stews and casseroles.  That goodness it's winter and no one in the family complains too much about winter fare.

I am a writer.  That means I type.  But...the accident left me with a hand injury.  Two of my fingers are still numb to tingly and the palm of my hand cramps if I use my hand very long.  Now I make many errors.  Me, who used to type 90-120 wpm in transcription!
That means I cannot work in any jobs I used to do.
Using my hand is painful and awkward; that includes typing, cutting food for meals, using eating implements, drawing, sewing, crocheting.  Using scissors is no longer possible at all.

So she, that person who ran into me took away my hobbies too.  I've always sewed, crocheted, knitted, made lace, embroidered - all my life.  Except now.  I try.  Sure.  Like I'm going to give up without a major fight.   But the end result take 4 times as long and looks like an amateur has tried to do what I used to do like the professional I am.

I did manage to get my novel finished for the Amazon Breakthrough Novel contest.  Last November (2011) I thought it would be finished and I would enter the Jan 2012 contest.  But the accident - yes that accident, prevented me from finishing.  My concussion prevented me from thinking, sitting up for any periods and of course typing.
Now it's in for the Jan 2013 deadline.  But my hand is killing me, my head aches and I'm not sure I did a good enough job to have it make the finalist spot.  Last year, prior to the accident I felt I had a really good chance.

My house is still a disaster!  Vacuuming affects my head, my hand and my neck.  So I don't often take up the vacuum wand.  Let there be dust.  And dog hair.  I didn't do my spring or fall cleaning this year.  Again, housework is a tough job.  And I no longer have the energy to wash walls, scrub floors or any of the other elbow grease jobs that a major cleaning requires.

I find myself cold all the time.  I think, when the accident first happened, because I lay in bed quite a bit, under the covers, I didn't notice the cold.  On my trips to the doctors and physio, I cranked up my car heater - and ignored the kids' complaints.  This past summer I kept my slug-white legs because I never wore shorts - too cold.  And I rarely did more than immerse myself momentarily in the heated pool, just basked in the hot tub.  Somehow, the accident affected something in me that has reset my internal temp.  I'm cold.  All the time.

I no longer exercise.  Sit ups, crunches and the like are beyond me now.   So I am losing my svelte form, looking more and more like a middle aged woman.

Do you think Fate, you could send her some of the misery she's inflicted on me?  Just give her a couple of my months.  Make my suffering a little less?  Please?