July end, 2012
Back at the trailer, with daughter for a weekend. Ok, 3 days total. My main mistake was not having a down day. See I background acted on the Thursday, household shopped Friday morning and drove up to the lake Friday afternoon, with a short stop at our 2nd favorite dollar store - now going out of business. I made it there almost absolutely exhausted. I got in an hour's float, managed to eat some mushy slop we'd brought from home, and fell asleep by 9:30.
Saturday I didn't do much. But still a little too much. We needed to shop. Saturday shopping can be hell. Especially for a nervous driver. Gee I didn't used to be! Far too many people, too much traffic, and of course, the summer heat. And I don't have air conditioning - I prefer opening the windows.
So Saturday night, rather than attending the yearly Texas Hold'em social function, I rested. My daughter went and had a great time, I heard Sunday morning. I didn't even have enough energy to go to the pool that evening.
Now Sunday I managed to float in the pool during the adult swim hours (0800-0900) and get some hot tubbing relaxation. I wrote for a few hours, ate mush again, rested, floated to cool off, napped and ate again. And then I did something totally stupid.
See, on Friday, at that dollar store in Innisfail, I bought, with my daughter's encouragement, a cheap neck/chin/jaw exerciser. Really just a set of housed springs you flex you neck.jaws up and down on. We put in the lightest spring - a 1 pound force - and I tried to compress the spring.
Now I know my neck is weak after the car accident. Still! Cause I still have problems holding my own head up all day. Let's face it, some days I still can't hold my own head up at all!
I managed to compress the 1 pound spring down less than 1/3 of its length. It hurt. But I persevered and forced myself to do 10 reps. I am an idiot! I managed to stay up, in agony, for dinner - more pap - then I lay down. My daughter folded a pillow for full support under my neck and head, managed to lift me up to put it under me properly. I couldn't move myself. And I finally fell asleep, soothed by my heating pad and the pillows.
Goes to show me just how injured my neck muscles still are. I promise I won't try more than 3 reps every second day until I can push it down all the way. And I'm going to take it real slow.
I sincerely hope that the woman who hit me has suffered some pain from her moment of inattention.
July 2012
We, hubby darlin and I, escaped on holidays June 30. Left two adult, non-driving, children behind and took off to open the holiday trailer. He drove, I napped.
No, the first couple of days weren't the best of holidaying weather. But the trailer came through another winter just fine. Which is really great to see, as there is no way yet I'm able to climb around, above or under that trailer to set things right. Hubby darlin hasn't been in shape for that for years.
Nobody even stole another of my rose bushes, and they have bloomed. My peonies blossomed spectacularly, even.
I managed a bit of dusting, on the obvious places before calling that a halt. Dust will always be there. So whenever tomorrow comes....
Time for swimming.
Ok, nix that. Time for floating with a noodle holding em up so I don't have to work my shoulders. Let me tell you what a blissful episode I spent in the hot tub. Ummm, yes. The heat on my whole body, the jets bubbling down my spine. Yes, blissful. I wanted to stay there all day and night.
And the heat rolled in. Blazing hot days. No clouds. Little breeze.
Yes, I floated every morning during adult swim time. Sometimes I entered the pool during the afternoon to cool off. And got in during the evening for a definite cool-off period. Just so I could sleep comfortably.
And I managed to write. Not ever day. Too hot to think some days. But the days I managed? Yes, nirvana state. Total immersion into my stories.
I finished my cookbook. Completely. Even edited it. Now I just need a cover.
But I paid for that immersion writing. For every day I managed to write for more than 4 hours, I spent the next day in pain.
My hand would cramp for hours. I couldn't even cut up veggies for our stir fries, let alone turn on the stove.
My shoulders and back burned. And I tried the hot tub. If the day had been over 30C, he evening was still too hot to sit for long in the hot tub. Really.
So no real relief.
But, hey. I got away from the kids. I got away from home. I swam - ok, I floated in the pool. And I relaxed for 14 whole days.
I'm back home now. Cooking for 5. Writing at my usual spot. And enjoying being back here. See, the trailer is a little cramped. And I'm used to lots more room than we get up there.
But I'll go back often this summer. To enjoy the pool and the hot tub. And just to get away from home.
I'm healing. Slowly. But I refuse to let this accident keep me from living my life. So I strive, every day, to push myself a little more. To get me back where I used to be BA (before accident).
mid-June 2012
Epiphany! I actually found myself fully immersed in my writing. To the point where the world around me - that mundane world I live in, didn't exist.
This is the state I try to achieve when I'm writing. Note that operative word - try! Since the accident, I have not been able to reach said state of nirvana, of poetic prose in mind-held scenes where I trace interpretive dance to unfold the visions onto my screen for others to read.
Yes, this Wednesday June 20th, I finally climbed back to my ideal writing state.
Know how I knew? Well...
I immersed myself, who knows exactly when, deep into my own world, writing great sentences, when someone from that 'real' world touched me. I jumped a mile, bruised my legs on the desk as I tumbled back to reality. My daughter wished me a good morning.
I looked at the clock, and yes, she'd made it by 2 minutes.
But she'd dropped me out of my stratosphere, up in the Wheel, building a set of characters.
I snarled, poured out a cold cup of tea, made new, nibbled a bit of tuna salad (invalid food) and retreated back to my world.
The very next late afternoon, hubby darlin opened the front door, which causes the inner door to slam. Again I jumped, doing further damage to my already bruised legs.
But, think about it, do I feel sorry for myself? No, not really. See, I look at this as indicative of the healing. I'd achieved, finally, for the first time since the accident; my ability to immerse myself into my made-up world and write. Write for hours!
Can we say victory is on the horizon? The horizon might be months away still. But it's there!
Sure, I paid dearly for those hours of writing. My hand cramps, did cramp and is cramping. I didn't sleep well because of that pain. My shoulders and neck ache from my position and my hours of typing. And I spent the next days 'resting' - more like laying prone and napping to get my energy back.
I should get another massage, and soon. But my favorite masseuse is booked solid, and my friend's daughter - the one in massage therapy classes, left for her summer job. She'd been massaging me on the sly, cause she isn't supposed to practice on real people until she has her license. And I can't afford the physio masseuse's prices. Seems my accident fund dried up - you only get a set number of massages to heal you from an accident.
May 2012
Will this ever be over?
I no longer
have pain all over. But I'm not out of pain. Now I have areas where I
burn continually - neck, shoulders, jaws. I cannot reach over my head with ease and must think
about which hand to use before I pull anything out of the fridge. I
cannot stretch without spasms shooting up and down my neck, back and
arm. And I still tire so easily that I must plan my days carefully,
realizing that I will not be able to do everything I want to, no matter
how well I feel first thing in the morning. And I still wake up every morning with a headache that just won't go away.
I want to
recoup my life as it was BA - before accident. I am striving to that
end. So I push myself, ignore some of the pain to get on with life.
For each day I manage a full day of BA activities, I find I spend 8
hours or more in down-time the next day. By that I mean either sitting for a short time then laying
down and napping or laying down for a full day.
My
doctor/specialist appointments are not as often now, so I no longer have
to spend hours of my day just driving. And I no longer spend an hour
quivering in dreaded anticipation before getting behind the wheel of my
car - just minutes now. Not that I'm not incredibly aware of everything on the road around
me when I drive anywhere now. Hyper alert I would call it, and ready
to pull over if I see any suspect behaviour around me.
The
accident has imprisoned me in ways I didn't expect. I am a prisoner of
pain, though I try to manage my days to minimize activities that might
cause me pain.
I no longer enjoy a good-weather Sunday drive to
nowhere just to see the scenery. I probably won't plan picnics to some
bucolic park this summer. Because I'd have to drive. And I won't drive
now if I don't absolutely have to.
I cannot ride, I'm talking
horseback, any longer as the movement of the horse under me jiggles my
back and arms which heightens my discomfort and my right hand can no longer control the reins. I do not have the energy
to take long walks, nor to carry a backpack with snacks and water. My
golf swing has been severely compromised, so I will no longer enjoy a
round on the greens. I worry about swimming, something I only partake
of in the summer, because I'm not sure I will be able to putter in the
water for any length of time. Water-skiing is no longer going to be
considered as I don't think I would have the strength now in my right
arm to hold my body upright. My fine work (knitting, crocheting,
lacemaking, embroidery, quilting, sewing, cutting out) can be done only
for finite periods of time now. And my books are too heavy to lay and
read, so I must sit up when I decide to indulge in a period of
escapism. I cannot draw or sketch because my hand cramps so severely after only a few minutes.
Even my passion, writing (that's typing on the computer), can only be
indulged in for short periods of time, as my shoulder, arm and wrist
ache after a fairly short period. And, again, my hand cramps badly. No longer
can I spend a whole day immersed in one of my worlds, writing my
stories. And even if my body could handle the work, my mind shuts down
with fatigue after short periods. My words no longer flow as I
experience what my doctor calls 'brain fog' and I call mind stuttering,
when I can't find the word or synonym I need.
My house is a
disaster. The vacuum cleaner noise hurts my ears and causes my
headaches to get worse. Bending and pushing to vacuum is painful after a very
short time.
Cutting up food for meal preparation is
very painful. My fingers cramp almost as soon as I curl my fingers
around the knife. And chewing - well I won't go into how much that
hurts. I just wish I was losing weight too. But my invalid food, and
my lack of exercise aren't letting me lose any weight.
I truly wish my hitter could experience some of the suffering she has made me go through for her moment's inattention.
It would be only fair, wouldn't it?
Feb 2012
Just a moment's lack of attention - by someone else - and I'm paying.
Not just financially, but physically.
It was a beautiful sunny day, just past noon on a Saturday. Sure it was winter. But...No ice on the roads, no snow, few clouds.
I stopped at a crosswalk, with a park on my left and houses on my right. I've stopped before at that crosswalk. Kids push the button and run across the road. Kids do that all the time!
The driver behind me, the one I'd told my son I thought was following a bit too closely just minutes before, didn't see the crosswalk lights, my brake lights, or even the cars stopped on the other side of the road.
Her moment of lack of attention.
I got rear-ended and pushed almost through the crosswalk. Thank the gods for small mercies - there wasn't a kid running across that street.
My son and I received whiplash injuries and I ended up with a concussion. I don't remember hitting anything. But I found bits of my hairclip in my hair hours later. I know I was very dizzy when I got out of the car to see the damage. My car had a bruised bumper. Hers fared less well, with a broken bumper and crumpled side panel. Both of us could drive, we didn't think anyone had been injured, so the police weren't called.
I kept getting dizzier as I finished my shopping after the lady and I exchanged information. By the time I hit home, my head was pounding and my neck felt like someone had stretched it while punching it. I blew my stuffy nose and found just a drop or two of blood.
By Sunday (the accident happened on a Saturday), my back burned, my neck barely held my head up and a headache walloped my brain and skull. A ringing in my ears drowned out almost all voices and my jaw swelled. I did what any accident victim would do and called my insurance company with as many details as I had or could remember. I realized as I read off the name, address and phone of my assailant, that she had not included her insurance information, nor her license number.
By Monday I felt so bad I headed into my doctor's office, where I learned that I had whiplash and a concussion. The whiplash needed physiotherapy, and the concussion needed rest and maybe 6 months to forever to heal. Wonderful!
My passenger son also got diagnosed with whiplash. The doc recommended we start physiotherapy immediately. So we took ourselves off to book appointments. Which coincidentally, started almost immediately.
I call these treatments physio-torture. I know the theory is to try and regain full range of movement as fast as physically possible. But when you are experiencing dizziness, massive headache and mega-pain up and down your spine, full range of motion is little more than barely moving.
My friend recommended hiring a lawyer - so between her and her friends, they found one someone's sister-in-law's brother's friend received a decent settlement through. I called him made an appointment and drove the 56+km down to see him. See, we live in the country and everywhere is a car trip.
The lawyer recommended a number of appointments to specialists. As he informed me, whiplash can be severe and you won't know how bad it is for months. And a concussion can be deadly.
So the trips to specialists began. After only 6 weeks I'd logged just over 2010km - just to see these docs, have x-rays, CTs, physio appointments. And the police called. Seems she had gone to report the accident after my insurance company called her to get information. So another trip to fill in the form at the RCMP detachment.
Two weeks later, my insurance company called to tell me she and her insurance company had admitted fault 100%. At least something started to go right.
And I lost my job. Right after Christmas. See, I'd just transferred from a nice casual position with occasional hours, to a permanent part-time position with regular hours. So I went on probation, even though I'd been with the same company for 14 years. Just 7 days into the job, I had no paycheque, no benefits and no protection. As I had no sick days banked, I received no expected paycheques right before Christmas as the accident left me unable to work until the concussion reaction subsided. Then the company, Alberta Health Services no less, where I worked for 14 years, waited until the medical leave finished - 8 weeks - and fired me!
I believe I have no recourse. Not only that, but my lawyer informs me I must hunt for another job. All this while I'm still going to all these medical appointments, physio and still not really feeling well enough to put in any 8 hour day.
So this accident - another driver's fault entirely - has cost me time, a nice job, thousands of kilometres travel, with gas costs and wear and tear on my car, out of pocket specialists' bills and parking charges. Which I may see restitution for eventually. But in the meantime, I'm severely out of pocket.
Now I tell you, this is the first time I've been able to think straight enough to write anything coherent! I can't function at my previous level at all! My head is way too heavy for my neck most of the time. My shoulders and back burn. I always have a headache. I only have enough energy to do one thing a day, and that one thing can't be strenuous. I find myself prone - laying down - at least once per day. My house is a disaster. I can't cook because it not only involves standing for long periods of time (more than 10 minutes) it also requires me to cut food up, and my right hand is not cooperating.
But I'm supposed to apply for a job! Drive myself to doctors' appointments - which always take at least an hour. Everything outside this house takes driving! Something I'm very nervous doing right now!
And all from another driver's moment of inattention!!
