Consequences

Whew!
Some weeks are just busier than others.  And not in a good way.

This week started with a 1 1/2 hour MRI on Sunday night, and physio on Tuesday and Thursday, a visit with my GP and a subsequent x-ray on Tuesday, a specialist app't on Wednesday, with a therapeutic massage thrown in on Wednesday, all in the middle of the day. 

Ok, I did have Monday off, and I did write for several hours before my back and hand complained.

Now I write.  Or I'm supposed to.  But I find these necessary medical appointments not only disrupting my writing time, but also my thought processes.  Writing is a long involved process, where the writer (me) needs to develop the scenes in her head, like drawing a series of stills, then try and sort timelines, action and flow of words to make a cohesive picture in the mind of the reader.

But...
Since my accident on November 26th, I have had little downtime to reflect and build my scenes.  I find the necessity of stopping everything to drive to whatever appointment is hamstringing my abilities.  Not only do I spend at least one hour convincing myself I won't get into another car accident, I drive now in fear of my fellow motorists.  And because I don't live in a city, or even a town with bus service - I live in the country - I have no choice but to drive to these appointments.

My beautifully constructed life of a published writer, sitting for hours in front of my computer, wending my way through poetic prose to bring my characters to life, has been shattered by that one moment of inattention by another driver - the one who rear-ended me.

I wonder if her life changed, if she quivers as she gets behind the wheel of her car to go out.  has her world, as she planned it, come to a screeching halt?  Can she follow her planned life path without the many interruptions I now face?

I never heard how her car responded to the accident.  Nor if she is suffering from complications of whiplash or concussion.  Has she spent the last 5+ months traipsing from doctor to specialist to x-ray to physio for hours on end?  Or can she sit at work or home and plan a day without taking into account all the places she has to attend just to function?  Maybe I would feel a little better if I knew her life grew a series of disruptions from her moment of inattention.

Dammit!  Just before the accident I mentioned to my son - my passenger - that the car following me was too close for comfort.  And I continued to drive along my planned route to finish my shopping.  I stopped for a loaded crosswalk between a park and residences.  Maybe if she had left more than 15 feet between my car and hers, she would have been able to stop.  She should have been paying more attention.  Children have been known to press the crosswalk button and run across the street from the park to get home for lunch.  And it was just 12:15, so lunch hour.  She could have pushed me into a child!  Just that thought makes me cringe every time I replay the accident in my head.  Not that I remember all of it.  I remember stopping.  I remember looking in the rearview mirror and stiffening as I realized she was gong to hit me.  I don't remember getting out of the car, but I do remember being extremely dizzy leaning against the car almost talking to her.  I remember her saying we'd meet in the street beside us to exchange information.  I remember talking to the witness, sort of.  Thank goodness I got his name and address.  I do not remember finishing shopping.  I got told I laid down when I got home, but I don't remember it.  But I do remember calling my insurance company several hours later.

Talk about stress.

I no longer have my sweet little part time job.  I lost pay right before Christmas - money we were counting on.  More casualties of this accident.  And although I had worked for the firm for 14 years, because I had recently transferred to a new department I was on probation for 3 months - a standard practice in my field.  The accident disabled me, my GP sent me home on sick leave for 8 weeks and the day I returned I was fired.  No reason was given at the time, because no reason had to be explained - I was under probation.  I've never been fired before!  Not from any job.

And I'm not well enough yet to work for a new company.  Who is going to hire an older woman who needs time off for hours of physio, doctors' appointments and medical tests?  And who will pay me at the rate I've worked up to in the 14 years of service I gave my previous firm?  Or even the 5 weeks holidays I earned through my long loyalty?

So, in pain, discomfort, under stress, driving everywhere even though I quail whenever I get behind the wheel of my car, I struggle to regain my life.

Now, here at the end of April, I find my insurance company will no longer fund my physio and therapeutic massage.  I have to pay out of my own pocket for any future treatments.  Necessary treatments, I have to say.  Treatments to get my body to again function at the same level it was before this accident.

More stress.  Almost insult to injury now.

And I have a subpena to go to court about the accident.  Just for her ticket, which I gather she is refusing to pay.  I just hope she pays it, so the court date is cancelled.  One less thing I would have to drive to, one less appointment I have to keep.

You know, some days all I want to do is hide.  Lay down for a whole day, relax and try to heal. 

But in order to prove you have been injured, you have to attend appointments.  My opinion of my body's functions doesn't count.  My words about my pain, stress, agony, stress, aches, stress just don't matter in the long run.  I have to have proof.  Proof to show the lawyers that I'm not at the level I was before the accident.

And I get told I might never get back my full mobility.  Does that count?

Seriously, even if I get a decent settlement, the money will never compensate me for my pain, my lost writing time or my stress. 

Please drive carefully!